Pts Ave: 78.6 - 75.4 Pts Diff: +3.2 Team Power Index: 146.3
Feb 03 2007: More Bird-Droppings from MdSnipe? - by metalbat13 on July 14th, 2019
"OMG, not again!" shrieked Milo Metalbat, UNLV booster club president, after reading the front page of yesterday's HARDWOOD TIMES. "Another one-line literary GASterpiece of PR issued by MDSNIPE of USC Upstate? At this rate, I don't think MD is going to pass English 208, the university's Introduction to Creative Writing course."
For the uninitiated, USC Upstate is NOT located in scenic Southern California. Instead, the campus is situated near marshland in soggy South Carolina, adjacent to the town of Valley Falls. Yes, that's the same Valley Falls featured in those soppy 60-year old Chip Hilton sports novels by Clair Bee.
It is fairly obvious that MDSNIPE is not as articulate as Chip. According to Metalbat, the sputtering Spartan superintendent materialized "fully mature, somewhat like the alter-ego of Dr. Jekyll" approximately five years ago, the result of an unfortunate and ill-advised experiment in the school's microbiology lab. According to eyewitnesses, the wayward "Weird Science" project involved a half-empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a bedraggled long-beaked bird from a nearby swamp.
"Given his background, it's a wonder that SNIPE can string two sentences together in a semi-coherent manner," continued Milo. "In an effort to improve intercommunication and harmony between members of the Hardwood community, I'm offering USCU's entire staff three full months of mouth and finger massages at any of my adult entertainment and holistic health centers, free of charge. Hopefully, this regimen will keep us all UPWIND of the next UPSTATE media presentation."
Jan 20 2007: Bad Passes, Broken Glasses - by metalbat13 on July 10th, 2019
After suffering two blatant injuries in an earlier contest against the Indiana Hoosiers in Bloomington, Milo Metalbat enlisted extra security for the rematch at the Thomas & Mack Center this evening. Former police officers from Reno 911 and off-duty employees from the local Bullets and Burgers shooting range ("fire an M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun") were hired to prevent a reoccurrence of the violent behavior exhibited by Hoosier fans last month. Approximately one dozen high-profile visitors (including Gene Hackman, Bobby Knight, and Jared Fogle) were prohibited from entering the facility.
Unfortunately, the stadium guards did not check the identities of the three vision-challenged referees. Quincy "Mr." Magoo, Hans "The Simpsons" Moleman, and Herbert "South Park" Garrison whistled 30 fouls against the home team, sending CED's seedy sideline sack simulators to the charity stripe 46 times. UNLV's two best athletes fouled out: center Kahil Perkins only saw 21 minutes of action, and SG Edward Dalton was charged with his fifth personal after playing just eight minutes! The resulting huge free throw disparity proved to be the difference in a 90-76 setback for the Las Vegans.
The contest was also interrupted by a 30 minute power outage that occurred just before halftime, plunging the entire arena into darkness.
"The lighting failure didn't really matter," grunted Metalbat, "since the officials were already in the dark the entire game!"
Nov 30 2006: Hackman, Hickman, Hoosiers, and Hooters - by metalbat13 on June 25th, 2019
Just moments after an 88-74 eradication of Indiana yesterday evening in Bloomington, two key UNLV players were seriously injured as they attempted to leave the court. Starting SF Rich Clayton and his backup, Nathan Loomis, were both kneecapped with a hideous and high-powered hickory stick wielded by an irate Hoosier fan, later identified as Gene "Bruiser Daddy" Hackman. The assailant is an over-the-hill, unemployed actor who once starred in GOOBERS, an infamous 1986 basketball flick. In the film Hackman played the part of Norman Snail, a crusty, contumelious, cantankerous, and "Get Cracking" coach who directs his squad of Mr. Peanut look-alikes to the championship of the Mayberry RFD "over 50" YMCA Hooters Highball League.
"I'm not directly criticizing Indiana President CED's security procedures to protect visiting teams at Assembly Hall," stated Vegas head honcho Peter "The Horndog" Hickman. "However, I saw local law enforcement let Bobby Knight into the building carrying a razor-edged metal folding chair while driving a Humvee-shaped golf cart filled with lapsed, over-priced auto insurance policies from The General."
Hickman also expressed concerns that he would face a second team from the Hoosier State tomorrow afternoon when his Rebels take on Notre Dame.
"It's going to be tough beating the Irish without Clayton and Loomis," groaned the Sin City suzerain. "Especially if they sneak in some Blarney-Stoned Leprechaun midget wearing a Knute Rockne mask and shaking a suspicious-looking shillelagh!"
Oct 23 2004: These Shoes Aren't Made for Soaring - by metalbat13 on February 22nd, 2019
Contrary to popular rumor, UNLV starters Julius Graves (PG), Dwight Russo (SG), and Ron Albert (PF) were not simultaneously injured in a bar fight at the Bellagio. In actuality, the trio suffered simultaneous "shoe blow-outs" during a charity slam dunk exhibition for local homeless and unemployed exotic dancers. The Sin City fund-raining event was sponsored by booster club president Milo Metalbat and M&M Resorts.
All three Rebel players were the unfortunate victims of defective Nike PG 2.5 athletic shoes (identical to the ones worn by Zion Williamson of Duke).
After missing two contests, Russo and Graves switched to old-school Chuck Taylor hightops from Converse. Sadly, Albert (who missed three games) stubbornly decided to continue donning the questionably constructed Nikes. He was reinjured this afternoon against Marietta College when opposing team mascot Pio the Pioneer stepped on his insole while chanting "Phil Knight is our Guiding Light!"
Albert has been sent to a convalescent ward in Eugene, Oregon, where he will spend the next week recovering under close observation from the AFLAC Duck.
Oct 07 2004: Did Bill Walton Cast a Top 25 Ballot? - by metalbat13 on February 17th, 2019
Milo Metalbat, controversial president of the Running Rebel Booster Club, was shocked to learn that the UNLV roundball squad was somehow ranked #2 nationally in Commissioner Steve's 2005 preseason "Top 25" Hardball poll.
"Personally, I think that Steve and his fellow out-of-state voters have been making clandestine visits to the Apothecarium pot shop on West Sahara prior to casting their ballots," observed Milo. "Our four-year overall record under Coach Peter Hickman is a less-than-inspiring 66-99, and we finished in eighth place last season in League III.3. Heck, on a good day, we'd be lucky to beat the JV team from the Patty Pulchritude Pole Dancing Academy."
The Rebs open their 2005 exhibition slate on Monday against Cal State San Bernadino. The Californians have hired extra security to protect beloved mascot Cody the Coyote while visiting the Thomas and Mack Center.
"We don't want Cody disappearing and becoming a part of some second-rate magician's inebriated midnight matinee animal act!" exclaimed Bernadino boss Dave Thigpen.